So Much It Hurts
by MudbloodGleek
Summary: She shivers. It's cold in the room she's in but she doesn't shiver from the cold. She's in shock. She's scared. She's alone. She's disgusted. It was silly of them to leave her alone really. She's probably more likely to hurt herself that way. After what she's done, she deserves to hurt. She deserves to be hated. She deserves to die.


**This story is so cannon. Basically, I got inspired to write a Vampire Academy inspired fic. This inspiration come from the last book Last Sacrifice. I thought I might be able to write a good story around the ideas I got from it. It didn't turn out very well, but hey, doesn't matter really. Just for your benefit:**

**Finn is based upon Dimitri Belikov in terms of age.**

**Rachel is Rose Hathaway.**

**Please like it.**

* * *

She shivers. It's cold in the room she's in but she doesn't shiver from the cold. She's in shock. She's scared. She's alone. She's _disgusted_. It was silly of them to leave her alone really. She's probably more likely to hurt herself that way. After what she's done, she _deserves _to hurt. She _deserves _to be hated. She _deserves _to die. It's the only way she can answer for what she's done. She doesn't want to be loved. She doesn't want anyone to be her friend. She just wants people to hate her.

"Hey Rachel, how are you doing?" Rachel looks up into the eyes of her twenty-four year old friend and, somewhat scandalous, ex boyfriend. She shrugs lightly and pulls her gaze away. She doesn't much like looking at him anymore. The memories hurt too much. They pull and tug in her mind, a constant reminder of what she loved and lost.

* * *

_He pushes a strand of her dark her behind her ear. Her neck stings from the recent tattoos she earned from her battle. The feel of his skin brushing against her cheek takes some her pain away. It's emotional, most of it. The pain comes from within as she realises the weight of all the death she's wielded in only a few days. He looks into her eyes and smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. _

"_You're so beautiful," he murmurs so quietly she almost misses it. She shakes her head, not in disagreement but in a way in which shows him she knows he can't say those things to her. She pulls back slightly, keeping distance between them._

"_Don't say those things Finn. It's not okay."_

"_Mmm, I don't care. I'm tired of pretending, Rachel. I'm tired of hiding the feelings I so obviously have for you. I'm tired keeping control when I'm around you. I'm tired of it, Rachel. I'm tired of it." Finn Hudson, her instructor, her mentor and her love is not normally so open about his feelings to her. It comes as a shock that he tells her his inner thoughts. _

"_You have to. We both have to care, Finn. If anyone found out you'd lose your job. They'd take you away from me. Probably put you in gaol. I don't want that. It's only a couple more weeks and I'll be eighteen and it will be okay." She cups the side of his face with her hand and leans in close. "Everything will be okay if we just wait." She pecks him on the lips and leaves him to his thoughts in the gym._

* * *

Rachel pulls herself from the memory. She doesn't want to think about life before everything happened. Before the attack on McKinley, before he was turned, before she hunted him, before she killed an innocent person. Before, before, before. It haunts her to her core.

"Rach, oh god Rach." Finn sits next to her and places a comforting arm around her. "It hurts me to see you like this. You're so torn, so broken, so racked with guilt. Rachel, you've got to know somewhere deep inside you that it wasn't your fault. You have got to know that, Rachel."

"It was my fault! Don't you get it? You don't know how it feels! You don't understand! I _killed_ someone! I killed an _innocent_!" Rachel breaks out of his hold and looks him in the eyes. Barely above a whisper, she says, "You don't know how it feels."

"Don't I?" Finn laughs a harsh sort of chuckle. "You forget Rachel, I spent four months killing innocent people. Four months Rachel. I know exactly how it feels."

Rachel bites back another remark. She had forgotten what he went through. He must fight himself everyday and she had the nerve to tell him he didn't understand. Just more guilt to add to her already crumpling mind. "I'm sorry Finn. I was out of line. Of course you understand."

Finn pulls her body into his and she rests her head against his shoulder. He kisses her hair and lets her cry into his shirt. He's never seen her more fragile than she is right now. He's never seen her so crumpled and broken. He hates it. He hates it so much. He wants to make everything better. He wants to help. He knows that she wishes she was dead. He knows she wishes awful things. He knows. "If you didn't kill him, he would've killed you and I can't lose you Rach. Not now that I have you back in my proper life."

"Emma told me something, Finn. She said," Rachel pulls away and looks into his eyes, "that our auras light up around each other. She said that that means you still love me, that we're meant to be together. Tell me she's wrong Finn. Tell me she doesn't have it right and maybe I can hurt a little less because I know the truth."

"Oh god Rach." His eyes light up with such affection it makes her heart hurt. "I love you so much it hurts. I denied it for so long because I thought that's what you needed. After what I... what I did to you, I couldn't imagine ever feeling affection for you. But life again showed me that's it's okay to let people in. It's okay to let myself love you. It doesn't matter anymore anyway, it's too late for us."

"Why is it too late?"

"Because of Jesse. Because you said yourself that you love him. I won't step between that."

* * *

"_Is he good to you?"_

"_Huh?" Rachel looks up from the map she's reading and stares at Finn._

"_Jesse. Is he good to you?"_

"_Yes, yes he is."_

"_And he loves you?"_

"_Yeah," Rachel smiles to herself a little more than she thinks she should, "he does."_

"_And you? Do you love him too?" He wants her to say yes. He wants her to give him a reason to keep denying everything._

"_I think," she pauses, "yeah, I do." Her answer surprises even her._

"_Good."_

* * *

"He doesn't own me Finn." Rachel insists. "I can do what I want."

"Rachel..." Finn groans. He doesn't want her to do this. He doesn't know if he can stop himself from kissing her. From taking her in his arms properly and holding her. God, he wants too.

"I love you Finn. I've always loved you. I never stopped. Don't take this away from me, please. I can deal with Jesse. I can deal with whatever he throws at me. But I want you, Finn. I want you so much."

Finn cracks first. He leans over to her and kisses her. It starts off slow and steady, but grows harsher and stronger as she tangles her hand into his hair and pushes her body closer to him. They fall on to the bed and straddle in each other's arms. He loves her so much. He needs her like he needs oxygen to live.

"Don't you leave me, Finn," she whispers. "I need you to heal."

"I promise I'll never go."

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